Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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