there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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