my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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