My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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