Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
