i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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