Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize