woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
