I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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