She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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