I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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