ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
