you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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