The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
