Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
