If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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