when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i wish my penis had a tongue
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
