WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
