hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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