LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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