I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
