I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
