My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
