Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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