Kiss
Puke
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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