I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize