She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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