Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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