moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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