did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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