Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
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