just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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