I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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