yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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