He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
