Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
