Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
