if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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