What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
no, he came in my armpit
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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