My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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