I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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