So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think your dad took our porno
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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