i was born a porn star she said
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
