I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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