um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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