How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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