There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize