this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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