My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
