She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
