so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
