Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
