Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
