Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
