Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
