holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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