Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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