...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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