dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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